Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

[APARTMENT KITCHEN]

GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent

[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]

RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die

RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

we’re gonna need another temp

These modern phones are great but I miss the days of old Nokias… you know if you were out and needed a hammer, a weapon or even an anchor for a boat.. voila

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

I had to Stop for this

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.

*being born

my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT

Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.

[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”