Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
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shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
somebody come look at this
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How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”