Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
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“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
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oppen heimer style lol
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Wedding planning is organized crime.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.