*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
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Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Good morning
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”