Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s