@ArfMeasures

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

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@krisv_723

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

@kwirkyKerri

The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides!
Your days are numbered missy.

@KizerBillhelm

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

@shkeeber

You never get a second chance to make a first impression.

Unless you work in the alzheimer’s wing of a nursing home, then you get lots.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?

@Mom_Overboard

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

@Fred_Delicious

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

@KylePlantEmoji

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

@daemonic3

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

@chris_coltrane

TRICKLE DOWN ECONOMICS EXPLAINED:
1) Rich people make money
2) It “trickles down” to offshore banks
3) Government closes libraries/hospitals