Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
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The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides!
Your days are numbered missy.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
Unless you work in the alzheimer’s wing of a nursing home, then you get lots.
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
TRICKLE DOWN ECONOMICS EXPLAINED:
1) Rich people make money
2) It “trickles down” to offshore banks
3) Government closes libraries/hospitals