Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
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Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
How I’d get arrested…
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.