Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.

#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡

I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…

Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.

I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

Date: I don’t think we should see each other again

Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it

Date: Well, yes

Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.