Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.

*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

Sponch

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

Diabetes: you’re my type.

Me: you’re my type 2

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.

Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.

“Why’s that?”

Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family