Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
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I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
New mindset, who dis?
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
They got a point!
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”