Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

David Attenborough, the confusing early years

driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

God: You get all the animals in?

Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out

*The walls turn red and start hissing*

Noah: Oh no

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

what day is it?

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.

It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.

In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

#ParentingFacts