Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
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Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming