Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
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“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
IT’S-A ME,
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
barbara was highly relatable
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
