Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
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You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*