Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
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applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
watching gymnastics
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.