Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
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“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.