Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

lumberjacks will cut a birch

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

Inkling sounds like a baby octopus

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.