Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”

Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point

[my first exorcism]

Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *

Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started

My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

kids play hide and seek like

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location

[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

[date]

HER: I absolutely love Star Wars

ME: Oh me too

HER: What’s your favorite part?

ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

him: hey have you ever seen house

her: house?

him: yeah like doctor house

me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital