Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?

me: a little yes.

boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

<- sleeps well with others

Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?