*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
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“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.