Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

*watches the world burn*

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats

It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’

Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

three things we don’t talk about