Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.

Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.