burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
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Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Actually cracking up @ this
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?