Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

ME: should we give it a dry rub

CORONER: get out

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk

Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog

People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

[phone rings]

CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer

ME: ?!?

CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.