6 yo: *yells* Mom! I’m on level 18!!!!
Me: *peeks in room* PAGE 18, princess. You’re reading.
6 yo: Oh
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
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I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Doc: You need to lose some weight.
Dr: Don’t eat anything fatty.
Me: Like pies and chips?
Dr: No. Don’t eat anything, fatty.
some guy a long time ago: it’s my birthday
friends: nice. what if we sang u a song about it while we stare at u
guy: i would hate it
friends: oh ya we would too
guy: perfect let’s do that forever
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone