Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

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6 yo: *yells* Mom! I’m on level 18!!!!

Me: *peeks in room* PAGE 18, princess. You’re reading.

6 yo: Oh


I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.


Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket


me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it


*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*


ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid


Doc: You need to lose some weight.

Me: How?

Dr: Don’t eat anything fatty.

Me: Like pies and chips?

Dr: No. Don’t eat anything, fatty.


some guy a long time ago: it’s my birthday

friends: nice. what if we sang u a song about it while we stare at u

guy: i would hate it

friends: oh ya we would too

guy: perfect let’s do that forever


If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone