@WarrenHolstein

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

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@Twtercide

6 yo: *yells* Mom! I’m on level 18!!!!

Me: *peeks in room* PAGE 18, princess. You’re reading.

6 yo: Oh

@copymama

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

@CrockettForReal

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

@climaxximus

me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it

@patnspankme

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

@rockymomax

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

@Adyaces

Doc: You need to lose some weight.

Me: How?

Dr: Don’t eat anything fatty.

Me: Like pies and chips?

Dr: No. Don’t eat anything, fatty.

@randypaint

some guy a long time ago: it’s my birthday

friends: nice. what if we sang u a song about it while we stare at u

guy: i would hate it

friends: oh ya we would too

guy: perfect let’s do that forever

@yoyoha

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone