@pittdave13 The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
@WarrenHolstein Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
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@pittdave13 
@OllyiConic genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
@awkwardphilippe [running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
@2questionable Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
@2tonbug Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
@murrman5 [tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
@enclaire Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell her I’m her from the future.
@Lisabug74 A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
@SeanINCypress Gyms are full of people that haven’t found the right couch.
@Tmoney68 Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.