Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
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#DesignFail
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Okey dokey.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath