@WarrenHolstein

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

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@pittdave13

The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB

@OllyiConic

genie: you have three wishes

me: nightvision goggles

genie: dope

me: the only pair on the planet

genie: many people will be affected

me: now kill the sun

genie: dude

@2questionable

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

@2tonbug

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

@murrman5

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

@enclaire

Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell her I’m her from the future.

@Lisabug74

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

@Tmoney68

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.