@LostFelicia: Woke up thinking I'd look good in yellow. Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

@sah_nursemom: Therapist: How does that make you feel? Me: Like I want to stab someone. Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word. Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

@kelkulus: What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this!

@fro_vo: WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room ME: he’s my new friend CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off* ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

@Birdhumms: I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.