*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
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“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
*puts words between two asterisks*
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
