*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
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Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Robots are now performing major surgeries, which means my dream of having the Fox NFL robot give me a prostate exam is closer than ever.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
I hope Alan is OK
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.