Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
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When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
just having fun
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????