Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
You Might Also Like
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
January has been Januweary
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants