Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
You Might Also Like
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
fixed it
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.