Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

Guy who likes music

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.

Coffee cake.

Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?

Sex steak?

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.

Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.

Tuber Eats.

*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”

Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder