Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly

You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?

What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed

People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

so much to do

I’m having an out of money experience.

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*