Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
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My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds