Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
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As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough