*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
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Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
oh you like architecture? name three walls
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”