Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.

My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too

mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?

-my 7 year old making the best of her public education

My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

Kung fu movie idea:

She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.

When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of

KUNG FU CAT LADY

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.

TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.

Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.

Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.

“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.