Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.

Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

I wish you could comment on Zillow.

Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”

The comment section would be very entertaining

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?