Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.

The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

[after sex]

Her: wow that was loud

Tin man: I’m a bit rusty

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died

me: yeah ok

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

Holy crap this is wonderful

I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN

An Autobiography

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.