(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
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Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham