Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.

Regular gangs give you a nickname

Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name

My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist

I need to update my racial profile.

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.

At least, I think it went south.

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST

This makes total sense…

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus