Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”

“thats $2,380”

(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”

Breaking news:

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.

The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic

“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM