Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
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*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.