@ArfMeasures

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

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@Dawn_M_

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

@ericsshadow

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

@girl_a_whirl

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

@TheBoydP

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

@JElvisWeinstein

The nicotine patch is great. I get my addiction out of the hands of the evil tobacco industry and into the loving arms of big pharma.

@summerbruise69

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

@ThisOneSayz

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

@AndyAsAdjective

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

@ArfMeasures

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up