[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
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I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
*eating catfish*
This looks nothing like it did on the menu
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.