[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
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I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!