burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
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I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
shut up and take my money
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.