burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
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I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting