Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink

One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.

Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!

Me: Please dont

Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins

Me: This is never flattering please just shut up

Friend: Look, I took a picture

Me: Man this is an old tire full of water

Friend: You guys are identical!

One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore

My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

🤣

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

[me dress shopping]

“Ohhhh that’s cute”

*an 80 year old buys it*

My dad.

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”