Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

I’m really shy in RL.

But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

Ummm

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window