Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
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I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
