Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel this so hard

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

Dear Satan…

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!

#LaborDay

My new favorite headline

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish