Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I’m about to risk it all
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Your honor these allegations are
