Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

*hops in time machine*

him: where ya going?

me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW

Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

*frowns in Scottish*

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

Farmer: Here, take a gander.

Goose: No! My husband!

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself

No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.

I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?

Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:

6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.