Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…

“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”

Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.

😂

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

I have obtained a hat

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.

Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back