Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

Coffee for people with no kids

It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

Toddler: What’s for dinner?

Me: Fish cakes.

Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: ……. Sure.

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.