Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you’re a centipede.

Centipede: what does that mean?

God: you have 10 legs.

Centipede: that’s not enough legs.

God: how many do you want?

Centipede: 100 LEGS : )

God: ok but don’t tell Snake.

Snake: don’t tell me what?

God:

Centipede:

Snake: guys don’t tell me what?

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.

So. Yeah.

Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.

“Eat me,” said the noun

“Say what?” said the verb.

“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.

“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.

Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

had to make it

If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

*limbos under the caution tape

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN

Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*

Me: Delete it.

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.