[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
You Might Also Like
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.