[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
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Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
monday
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
When news reporters do sports stories
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
🤣😂🤣😂
