[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
me adding lol on a serious message
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.