Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
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*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
