Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

Him: where do you wanna go eat?

Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

The opposite of Iceland is water water

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.

Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.

[Before the post office was invented]

SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document

PIGEON: *simply existing*

SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.