Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
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guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”