Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
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Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I’m literally crying
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything