Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?

Me: No Sir it will be round

Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.

Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!

Whenever I need a good laugh…

…I start reading suggested serving sizes.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close

“Have you had a shower today?”

Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed

The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:

“How I Met Your Mothra”

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

nobody’s gonna understand

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”

Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though

ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.