Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.

why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.

Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*

Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.

HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken

My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.

At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.

My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.