[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
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Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
This is why I hate group projects
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I am also baked goods
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago