Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

wow

If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,

you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.

Me: *taking an art appreciation class*

Instructor: Please bring my students back

Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose

Me: I pick u…

Partner: I knew you lov…

Me: …nited airlines

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore

*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

out-housing market appears to be strong

I think I’m gonna be sick