*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
You Might Also Like
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]