*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
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I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Anarchy
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂