*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
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WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Sounds like a real hoot.
181.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps