Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
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I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
PLEASE READ
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY