Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
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*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Ken is short for chicken
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.