Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
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Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Oh the world we live in…
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
