Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you a cat person or a person person?

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!

Yup.

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.