Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

I’m not stressed

People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”

No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.

If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, it’s expected.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

What’s the opposite of mentos?

Lady fingers.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

“How many people have you slept with?”

– Someone who wants to hear a lie

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

How did the first person to read learn how to read?

9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

HER: I just put the baby down for his nap

ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex

BABY:

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause