Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.
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Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no