Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

Tired: Turner & Hooch

Wired:

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

“amateurs”

~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

Health and fitness is really important to me

Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

ㅤ

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.