Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.
You Might Also Like
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Go bears!
(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]