Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.

Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.

Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!

“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too