*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
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ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
💀😭
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.